I've been feeling much more positive about things this past week than I have for a long time. I've been thinking a lot about the operation next Friday, and what they might discover. I'm very afraid of being told that I will never have children naturally, that my tubes might be damaged beyond repair, and to me, that would be the worst possible outcome. Damaged tubes would mean my only option is IVF. Never would I have a surprise pregnancy. My baby would be made in a dish, not in an act on love.

But the more I think about the bigger picture, the more I see it's not just about having the perfect 'falling pregnant' scenario, it's about being a mother. I've been looking past the 'worst possible outcome' and thinking about what it means to me to have a family. It doesn't matter how our child gets here, as long as it gets here.

I've also been thinking past the possibility that my eggs may not be good enough for IVF, and that we may need a donor. There is only one person I would ask to donate her eggs and, without her even knowing about our fertility troubles right now, I know she would say yes in a heartbeat. My sister. A doting mother of 3 beautiful children, who is so keen to be an Auntie that she constantly asks me when we are going to have children. If only she knew she might have much more of a starring role than that! And if none of this works out for us, I guess it's on to adoption, and I actually feel ok about that.

I read about women who are so driven by the desire to have their 'own' baby that they would not ever consider another avenue such as surrogacy, let alone adoption, and I find it very sad. While I will admit at one point I was one of those women, the further I go down the 'trying to conceive' route, the more I am driven not to just become a mother to my own flesh and blood, I am driven to become a mother full stop.

Of course this positive outlook will likely crumble with any forthcoming pregnancy announcements* or bad news from my operation, so I should enjoy this good feeling while it lasts. (*With the exception of the other lovely ladies I have met in my situation – I would be absolutely thrilled.)