I'm feeling a bit odd today. Not sure if it's a culmination of various events, worrying about my operation on Friday, or if I'm just getting cabin fever working from home. I do miss the social interaction that comes with a full-time job. It's only been a week, but I'm really hoping I get called in to a studio soon!

Something totally bizarre happened to me on Thursday, that I now feel a bit weird. I stopped by my old work for a cup of tea and a catch up (I left there last summer having worked there for over 4 years). I was closer to one of my bosses there (Gareth) than I was with the other boss. Not best buds or anything, but we had quite a good relationship. Anyway, he was showing me out when I was leaving after our catch up, and we got talking about his wife. Suddenly, he's confiding that they are having difficulty in starting a family, and that things have been really tough. Before I know what's happening, the very same words are falling out of my own mouth, and I'm suddenly confessing my deepest darkest secrets to my ex-boss! Secrets I haven't even told some of the people closest to me.

Gareth said if I ever want a chat, to give him a ring, which was very nice of him. I don't know why, but it all feels very strange now. We've known each other for 5 years, and now we discover that we've both been suffering the same heartache for years – two people in the same tiny office – what are the chances?! Anyway, now I'm itching to talk about it with him. I might invite him out to lunch in a couple of weeks, although I don't want to pry too much into their business. But, as I discovered going to the PCOS meeting the other week, it is so nice to talk to people who truly understand the emotional aspects of infertility. Maybe Gareth will feel the same.

Just to top off my strange feelings, last night I had a very vivid dream that Gareth and I had split up from our spouses, and arranged to go out on a date together! I really don't fancy him or anything like that, so I wonder what it meant? Maybe it means that I crave intimacy that doesn't involve trying to conceive a baby, or I want to recreate those early days in a relationship when I didn't care about children, I only cared about falling in love and having fun. It was so real, I woke actually thinking I had a date to go on.

After dreading it for the past 8 weeks, my laparoscopy is suddenly upon me. It is due to take place on Friday. Obviously I'm fearing the worst – after all, if I can ovulate without Clomid and pin-point my ovulation days, why am I not pregnant yet? It just seems like the most likely explanation is something blocking the route from A to B. I'm terrified that Friday will end any hopes I have of conceiving. I know there is always IVF (if my eggs are good enough), but I really don't want to have to go through it, you hear so many stories about how stressful it is. I feel like I'm being forced to face my future, and it just all feels so uncertain and frightening. I sometimes wish I didn't want children, because then I would never have tried to get pregnant and I would have been spared all this. In some cases, ignorance really is bliss.