It's all over… the operation, that is. The result? ALL CLEAR!! After much cutting, prodding, lifting, poking and stitching, the doctors have discovered that my uterus and ovaries are perfectly healthy (apart from the PCOS) with no adhesions, and my tubes are as clean as a whistle. I am so relieved and happy even though my stomach feels like its been punched repeatedly! I'm getting my stitches out tomorrow which I'm looking forward to – they are feeling quite tight now. This weekend has been the culmination of a very stressful week…

Tuesday: the day AF is due. It was D's birthday, so we had the day off together. Feeling a bit panicky about the possibility AF may be late, I did some research online in the morning about how to induce it. I found that large doses of Vitamin C could apparently help. First stop on our way out for the day was Boots, where I purchased a high strength batch of them. I had 3 before we set out on our long walk, hoping that the walk itself would move things along. Still nothing. That night before bed, I tried the second thing I found online: a hot bath. I sat and stewed in a boiling hot bath for half an hour hoping to get things moving by the morning.

Wednesday: last chance for AF to arrive. More Vitamin C. I am going to the loo every half an hour to check whether it has come. I'm feeling desperate now. Still nothing. As we near the end of the day I am now willing AF to stay away until Friday afternoon at least. I now go to loo hoping not to find it.

Thursday: 10.30am. AF arrives. I guess I won't be having the operation now. I try and keep myself calm, reasoning that I could probably get a new appointment in about 5 weeks time. I rang the hospital and explained what was happening, and found out the next available appointment wasn't until August! The receptionist said I should talk to the doctor before canceling it to see what he thought. So I left a message for him to ring me urgently, although she said he was in meetings all afternoon. Half an hour later I get a phone call from the receptionist saying that she accosted him in the corridor and asked him what I should do, and he said he'd do it anyway! I was so happy!

Friday: Got up at 6.30, had a shower, left the house at 7 to get to the hospital at 7.30. I felt strangely calm. D was very edgy and nervous. I was shown to my bed on a small ward with other women, and told I would be going first. I had a string of nurses and doctors taking turns in asking me all sorts of questions. Eventually I got changed into a very sexy gown, put my slippers on and was led down to theatre. I climbed up on the trolley and at that point I started to feel a bit scared. I had 4 people crowded around me sticking things on my chest and putting a needle in my hand to administer the drugs. The anaesthetist told me he was giving me something to make me feel a bit drowsy. It was like I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and felt nicely fluffy. Then he said he was giving me the proper drugs and I don't remember anything past that. Next thing I knew I was was waking up in recovery.

When I opened my eyes I could barely see. Someone had already put my glasses on for me, but I thought I didn't have them on as everything was so blurry. I felt knackered and realised there was a huge sanitary towel wedged between my legs.. There was a nurse stood with me asking if I felt ok and gave me a bit of water. After about 20 minutes, they wheeled me back to the ward where my very anxious husband was waiting. I started to feel much more awake and sat up more and read magazines. The incision was made from the inside bottom ridge of my belly button to about 1 cm outside of it, so about 2cm in total. This is being held together with 2 stitches. There was also a further incision in the bikini line, but that was so small it didn't require a stitch. But my entire stomach felt so tender to the touch. After a while a nurse came in and removed the drain from my stomach which was icky. I was then given a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea.

After 2 hours, the nurse asked if I felt like moving to the chair before getting dressed a little later. Once I got out of bed I thought I felt fine, so D helped me get dressed and then I toddled off for a wee. Couldn't go for a wee, the catheter made it hurt. So I went back to my bed and suddenly felt terrible. I was all faint and felt sick and had to lie back down! When the anaesthetist made his courtesy call to see if I was ok I was white as a sheet!

We had to wait for all the surgeries to finish before the doctor came round to give us the results. When she said "clear" I could hardly believe it! We've been told that this cycle we stand a good chance on conceiving as the pressure of the dye can straighten out any kinks the tubes may have had which might have prevented conception. They have given me 6 months of Clomid, and have placed us on the IUI wait list, which is 6 months. So by the time we finish Clomid we can move straight to IUI but hopefully we'll nail it within the next few months and won't need it. We have to go back to the fertility clinic and see what else they say now.

I feel so much more positive and hopeful that we could really have a baby one day soon. When I was 20, an ex had an affair and gave me Chlamydia. Ever since, I have been completely terrified that it would prevent me from having children one day. When we first realised nothing was happening, that was my first concern. I have been beating myself up for years over the fear that a cheating little git could have ruined my chances of a family, but now, I can finally put that behind me and get on with my life.

Ok, don't judge me, but I have done something a bit silly and which has been met with some disapproval from the husband. It's something I heard about through the grapevine and, after long deliberation, I decided to go for it. I have paid for, and received… a pregnancy prediction courtesy of some lady called Cheri in Canada! Basically you pay about £4, tell her what baby number you're working on conceiving, and she gets back to you about a week later with a reading predicting the sex, the month (conceived or birth) and a personality breakdown. After seven nail-biting days, I finally received my prediction this morning:

"Thank you for being patinet with me while I got back to your reading. they are showing you wtih a GIRL and they relate her to SEPT. They do show you using a specialist for conceiving;

When ti comes to your daughter wouldt ell you that shes got amazing strength and determiantion to succeed. i would consider her to be somewhat ambitious and really enjoys a good challenge. Shes someoen who is always on her feet, and loves to be mobile, really prefers to ahve something to do and be doing it. Really good at multi-tasking, someone who seems to thirve on the "chicken with the head cut off" syndrome and would rather have "too much" on her plate than not enough.

Shes fairly good about being direct about what she wants and where she si going. Shes someone who knows how to get things shes going after and can at times appear a bit on the agressive side. Definately someone you want on your side, as she can be somewhat intimidating (if someoen is bothering her) and really carry her own weight. Shes not one to be bogged down by other peoples mistakes and iwll often rise above them.. works hard towards what she wants in life.

Shes someone who likes to play volleyball, is someone who has just as many male friends as female and can actually say she has alot. People believe in her as she always says what she means and means what she says.

When itcomes to career paths, they show her linked to wroking for a relator and his partner. She handles all the closing documents and paperwork, often bringing in clients of her own for them and getting a percentage of the sales, and running their entire office. Delegating work, upgrading her schooling in this field to better understnad more of the job and take on more responsibilities.

When it comes to marriatge they show her closer to 22, they wull have two boys and one girl of their own."

According to her website, Cheri says she "relies solely on intuition, channeling and automatic writing, and have the help of my spirit guides Tomas and Serlina." I think the automatic writing explains why the copy is littered with typo's – you'd think Tomas and Serlina would point that out being higher beings and everything.

So, according to this prediction, I will have an aggressive little girl who will pummel anyone who tries to stop her getting what she wants. Why do I have the feeling this child will end on on Crimewatch, wanted for the murder of her parents? Either that or I'm going to go to many school meetings with headteachers to discuss why my child is beating other children to a pulp. Maybe adoption is a good idea after all…

I've been feeling much more positive about things this past week than I have for a long time. I've been thinking a lot about the operation next Friday, and what they might discover. I'm very afraid of being told that I will never have children naturally, that my tubes might be damaged beyond repair, and to me, that would be the worst possible outcome. Damaged tubes would mean my only option is IVF. Never would I have a surprise pregnancy. My baby would be made in a dish, not in an act on love.

But the more I think about the bigger picture, the more I see it's not just about having the perfect 'falling pregnant' scenario, it's about being a mother. I've been looking past the 'worst possible outcome' and thinking about what it means to me to have a family. It doesn't matter how our child gets here, as long as it gets here.

I've also been thinking past the possibility that my eggs may not be good enough for IVF, and that we may need a donor. There is only one person I would ask to donate her eggs and, without her even knowing about our fertility troubles right now, I know she would say yes in a heartbeat. My sister. A doting mother of 3 beautiful children, who is so keen to be an Auntie that she constantly asks me when we are going to have children. If only she knew she might have much more of a starring role than that! And if none of this works out for us, I guess it's on to adoption, and I actually feel ok about that.

I read about women who are so driven by the desire to have their 'own' baby that they would not ever consider another avenue such as surrogacy, let alone adoption, and I find it very sad. While I will admit at one point I was one of those women, the further I go down the 'trying to conceive' route, the more I am driven not to just become a mother to my own flesh and blood, I am driven to become a mother full stop.

Of course this positive outlook will likely crumble with any forthcoming pregnancy announcements* or bad news from my operation, so I should enjoy this good feeling while it lasts. (*With the exception of the other lovely ladies I have met in my situation – I would be absolutely thrilled.)

What a turn up for the books. After an extremely grumpy weekend spent trying not to think about how much I hate the NHS for cancelling my operation, the hospital rang this morning and offered me a new date for next Friday! Obviously some other lady has discovered she's up the duff and, thankfully for me, has cancelled her operation.

What this means is that my new date will be on Day 4 of my next cycle, IF my period starts on time (next Tuesday). They won't perform the op if there is heavy flow, which there never is by Day 3-4, it's very light by then. My past two Clomid cycles have given me 29 and 28 day cycles respectively so, fingers crossed, a 28 day-er will mean good old Aunty F will turn up on Tuesday, meaning I can definitely have the op on the Friday.

Ironically I have gone from urging AF to stay away every month for the past 2 years, to urging her on as quickly as possible. What a difference a Monday morning can make! Weirdly I was stroppily folding the washing this morning, thinking about it all and feeling utterly pissed off when I got the call.

In the words of Victor Meldrew, "I don't belieeeve it!" The hospital rang at 11am to inform me that my laparoscopy and hydro-tube-whatever has been cancelled tomorrow due to a major surgery on another woman. Initially I thought "sod her, what about me?!" but now I have calmed down a tad and realise it must be important (although quite why they can't operate on her this evening and do a little overtime is beyond me if it's that urgent).

So now I have to wait a whole 5 weeks and stew even further about the possibility that my tubes are all furred and twisted up. My new date is Friday 13th June – so it's unlikely to be good news anyway! I'm so distracted and annoyed I'm getting sod all done today, although I am making alarmingly good progress on a pack of Marlborough lights and penguins (of the chocolate variety – don't call animal protection, I'm not abusing actual penguins). Even more annoyingly, I've ruined a pair of new contact lenses with much crying – I might bill the NHS for £10 seeing as it's their fault.

It's very frustrating as this means we have missed out on a possible conception this month, as we were banned from trying before the op, and now we have to wait a further month – it may not be a long time to them, but to us it's two missed opportunities. I'm Day 17, and did an ovulation predictor test earlier which had a faint line, but it could just be the end of ovulation – I'll have to do another tonight and see if the line gets darker. Maybe we could still have a chance.

I'm feeling a bit odd today. Not sure if it's a culmination of various events, worrying about my operation on Friday, or if I'm just getting cabin fever working from home. I do miss the social interaction that comes with a full-time job. It's only been a week, but I'm really hoping I get called in to a studio soon!

Something totally bizarre happened to me on Thursday, that I now feel a bit weird. I stopped by my old work for a cup of tea and a catch up (I left there last summer having worked there for over 4 years). I was closer to one of my bosses there (Gareth) than I was with the other boss. Not best buds or anything, but we had quite a good relationship. Anyway, he was showing me out when I was leaving after our catch up, and we got talking about his wife. Suddenly, he's confiding that they are having difficulty in starting a family, and that things have been really tough. Before I know what's happening, the very same words are falling out of my own mouth, and I'm suddenly confessing my deepest darkest secrets to my ex-boss! Secrets I haven't even told some of the people closest to me.

Gareth said if I ever want a chat, to give him a ring, which was very nice of him. I don't know why, but it all feels very strange now. We've known each other for 5 years, and now we discover that we've both been suffering the same heartache for years – two people in the same tiny office – what are the chances?! Anyway, now I'm itching to talk about it with him. I might invite him out to lunch in a couple of weeks, although I don't want to pry too much into their business. But, as I discovered going to the PCOS meeting the other week, it is so nice to talk to people who truly understand the emotional aspects of infertility. Maybe Gareth will feel the same.

Just to top off my strange feelings, last night I had a very vivid dream that Gareth and I had split up from our spouses, and arranged to go out on a date together! I really don't fancy him or anything like that, so I wonder what it meant? Maybe it means that I crave intimacy that doesn't involve trying to conceive a baby, or I want to recreate those early days in a relationship when I didn't care about children, I only cared about falling in love and having fun. It was so real, I woke actually thinking I had a date to go on.

After dreading it for the past 8 weeks, my laparoscopy is suddenly upon me. It is due to take place on Friday. Obviously I'm fearing the worst – after all, if I can ovulate without Clomid and pin-point my ovulation days, why am I not pregnant yet? It just seems like the most likely explanation is something blocking the route from A to B. I'm terrified that Friday will end any hopes I have of conceiving. I know there is always IVF (if my eggs are good enough), but I really don't want to have to go through it, you hear so many stories about how stressful it is. I feel like I'm being forced to face my future, and it just all feels so uncertain and frightening. I sometimes wish I didn't want children, because then I would never have tried to get pregnant and I would have been spared all this. In some cases, ignorance really is bliss.