I'm free at last! (Freelance, that is). No more commuting, no more traffic, no more severe road rage and phoning the police to report some div in a Vauxhall for dangerous driving. And best of all, no more baldy boss frowning when I show him some good layouts, saying "Hmm, can we make it a bit more dated like the work in this ancient design book from the 80s."

It's been a good first week. I've designed myself a little brochure which will be printed tomorrow. I'm making the covers myself (book-binding is one of my sad little hobbies) and have spent the past 2 hours hacking chunks out of my fingers trying to carve my initials into a piece of lino (to print onto the covers). In fact typing this is hurting...

I've almost secured myself my first jobs. I've been asked to quote on 3 jobs by a design agency that doesn't have time to do them. Three rather boring brochures (one is a caravan newsletter – rock and roll!) but it would be a great start as they would keep me busy for a month, and the money would pay for the brand new Mac I would have to buy if I win the jobs.

However, being at home every day has it's drawbacks... I am turning into a curtain twitcher. My little office is temporarily set up in the dining room at the front of the house – a prime spying location. Since Monday, I have discovered the following about my neighbours:

1. The ginger couple at number 29 have split up, and their house is now up for sale. Very sad actually as they are nice people and have 2 small kids.
2. The pikey family at number 37 are, finally, moving. There has been a For Let sign propped up outside their house for a week or so, but I witnessed an estate agent pull up yesterday and take a photo. Checking the estate agents website this morning, voila! There it is, house to let. Yeay! No more big scary dog trying to get over the fence and savage me when I'm in the garden, or having to look at their garden covered in crap (of the dog and litter variety).
3. The woman at number 35 dresses up like paddington bear when she ventures out in the morning with the kids. Bright yellow shiny mac, red hat, black boots. Brilliant. (I realise that paddington's corporate colours vary and may not match my description, but she does look hilarious).

Well, this is a PCOS blog so I guess I should mention something about it. I'm having a laparoscopy next Friday, quite keen to get it out of the way and find out what the hell is going on in there (if anything). I'm ready to move onto the next stage now and get that bun in this oven. At least a baby would keep me from spying on my poor neighbours…

I went to the PCOS meeting last night. I don't know what I was afraid off – it was really interesting. I arrived about 5 minutes late and when I walked in there was only about 4 people there – I thought, shit, this is a bit intimate! Fortunately some more ladies turned up so the group grew to about 10, plus the group leader. We all took turns to introduce ourselves and give a brief outline of our situation. Most of us told variations of the same story – we came off the Pill, tried to get pregnant etc. There we all were, women of different ages, shapes and sizes, sat around a table and describing the one problem we all have which wreaks havoc with our lives and emotions – PCOS.

We discussed the different fertility consultants we see – some of them the same. Quite a few people see the same Dr as I do (a rather strange lady) and I found out that they all think she's a bit odd too – I'm glad it's not just me! J and I were beginning to think she didn't like us, but I'm now reassured that maybe she just doesn't like anyone.

After a big group discussion, we all kind of dispersed and we chatted amongst ourselves. It was great to talk about everything with people who truly understand how you feel, because they feel it too. I don't talk to anyone else about it normally (only with my mum, and even then I keep it to a minimum because she can get a bit much). I think I got a case of verbal diarrhoea as once I started talking, I found it difficult to stop!

Feeling a bit crap today, because my period is about to start – it hasn't got going properly yet, but it will tomorrow. I had a very uncomfortable drive home from work, as J stole the last of my painkillers from my bag yesterday and I had to wait until I got home to take some – there's nothing like mega period pain and a traffic jam to put you in a bad mood. But I'm mostly peed off as my 2nd cycle of Clomid hasn't worked, and that means I have to go for the laparoscopy in 2 weeks – that was a bullet I was hoping to dodge. I was keeping my fingers crossed that I would ring and cancel it because I was pregnant! No such luck.

I've decided I'm going to a local PCOS support group meeting on Monday, and I'm getting really nervous about it. The more I think about it, the more scared I get. Hardly anyone in my life knows about my PCOS, let alone our being desperate for a baby, so sitting in a room full of strangers and admitting that I have PCOS and am struggling with my fertility is extremely daunting. The people closest to me don't even know the truth about me. I don't even like admitting it to myself! I keep thinking it all must be a horrible mistake, but the facts are there – after almost 2 years, I cannot get pregnant.

On the positive side, it will be nice to meet other women who understand what this is all like, and how it feels. Out of every couple I know, none of them have had trouble conceiving. Before we started trying, I did my research into improving our fertility, and kept finding a statistic saying "1 in 7 couples are infertile." I kept thinking "How unlucky would we be if that was us!" But I had a nagging feeling that we would have trouble – I don't know why, I just sensed something was wrong. I've never had irregular cycles, I'm not overweight, I don't have excess body hair and I don't have any of the other "classic" symptoms of PCOS. So I was completely clueless. And yet, here we are, 2 years down the line with a diagnosis of PCOS. And yet I was so convinced I had endometriosis!

I hope to get something positive out of this meeting on Monday – support, understanding, new friends. I hope even more that I don't end up crying in front of everybody.

Had quite a good day today. Nothing spectacular happened, I just feel good. I can see past the TTC battle and not let it rule my life today. A positive outlook I feel, even if it is only is for one day. I will enjoy it while it lasts!

A guy at work had to bring his 3 month old baby in because his partner was really ill today. We all took turns to look after her, including me, and it was actually really good. It was nice to just hold a baby and make silly faces and not feel any heartache. I could just look at her as a mates baby, and not as something that taunted my own inability to have a baby. I have felt very nervous being around babies since we started trying, as I try to block out anything that reminds me of what we are trying to do – you can't get much more of a reminder than a baby! I don't know if this is a turning point, or just a one off, but I will try to keep the same positive attitude.

It feels a bit strange, because there is no-one in our lives who is pregnant at the moment (that we know of). After a huge run of babies in the past couple of years, it feels like the calm before the storm. It feels like there must be something brewing (hopefully in my own uterus!) and am expecting some announcements in the coming months. I hope I can still remain positive when they start pouring in again.

I'm getting a little concerned that nothing is happening in the ovary department this month. Normally they are a hive of activity around this time of the month, but I've had nothing but a couple of twinges so far. Not sure if it's possible for Clomid to suppress ovulation as opposed to induce it... might have to get on to old reliable Google for some answers.

I am enjoying keeping busy with setting myself up as a freelancer, because it really takes my mind off all things baby-related. I've even managed the odd conversation with a heavily pregnant woman at work (who told me she wanted to abort her planned pregnancy – boy did she pick the wrong person to confide in!)

All in all, I should enjoy my good humour while it lasts as I have hit CD18, and things tend to go downhill for the rest of the month. I get pissed off waiting for my period to arrive and tell myself there is no way I could be pregnant. Every month my sore boobs taunt me as I desperately try to ignore the fact that it could be a symptom of early pregnancy. It never bloody is!

I've started my search for some freelance work this week, which is going very, very slowly. I have developed an email obsession (I'm checking it every 2 minutes). I'm annoying myself so much with it but I can't stop!

I've made a long list of companies in the area and am slowly working my way through it, sending a nice message along with my CV and web address, so they can check out my portfolio online. It's only been 2 days so I'm not feeling too concerned yet that I haven't got anything lined up. Although one place has got in touch already and asked me to go and see them, which could be promising.

I was having a browse on Bebo at my friends page today, who has recently moved to Canada with her husband and 1 year old son. She has put a video of the baby taking his first steps on there, which gave me quite a surprising pang of jealousy when I watched it. I remember a few years ago, we were having a conversation about having babies (didn't know about my rubbish ovaries back then) and she was talking about how awful it would be to be infertile. She said that if she couldn't have her husbands baby, she didn't want anybody else's. Now I can't help thinking that, if I adopt a child in the future because I can't have one of my own, will she always consider him or her to be 'not good enough' because they're not biologically ours?

Came home this evening to find a rejection letter waiting for me from a magazine I submitted an article proposal to, so I am feeling a bit cheesed off.

I'm on Day 10 in my cycle, and not feeling much in the ovary department. Normally I'm getting pains but nothing's happening yet. I'm not even sure if these Clomid pills are working, as I'm having none of the side effects as yet and I'm on my 2nd cycle. Although I'm glad I have no side effects as they sound quite horrendous! Just concerned the medication isn't doing anything. I really feel like diving into the massive box of chocolates I've got stashed away in the cupboard, but that won't do my PCOS any good. Though one little chocolate can't hurt, surely...

Since handing in my notice last week, I have, for the first time in ages, not thought too much about babies or crap ovaries or the impending doom of being childless forever. By taking action against what was making me 2nd most unhappy in my life (the crap job) and doing what I have wanted to do for years (set up on my own) I feel that I have finally taken back control of my life. My ovaries do not work properly – there is nothing I can do about that. But I can, and will, set up my own design studio, and no stupid, idle ovaries are going to stop me from doing that.

Of course, now the anxiety of being infertile has now quickly been replaced with the anxiety that I won't make enough money in the next few months and end up pregnant at the same time. It would be typical that, after 2 years of trying to get pregnant with a steady income, a shiny new egg is probably waiting just around the corner to be fertilised by a freak olympic-trained sperm who has completed an assault course through my reproductive system like the one at the end of The Krypton Factor. Fingers crossed anyway.