by
stayingpositive
@ 15/03/2008 - 21:27:01
Over the past 2 years, since beginning our quest for a child, I have witnessed the arrival (not literally) of many babies. (Judging by the tile of my blog, it's clear that none of these babies belong to me). It's been a difficult time. From the announcement of the pregnancies (maybe I'll be pregnant by the time it's born!!) to the arrival of the babies themselves (maybe I'll be pregnant by the time it has it's 1st birthday!!) I have had to watch people around me get pregnant (again, not literally) seemingly at the drop of their knickers.
Well, I have developed what I consider to be a foolproof, 5-step programme to help women TTC through these dark and difficult times. The aim here is to divert the attention away from the fact that you desperately want a baby yourself. This programme is recommended for women who choose to keep their fertility problems quiet, because if the fertile cow in question, oops, I mean 'friend', knows you are TTC, the programme will not really work for you.
Listen up ladies, this is what you need to do:
Step 1 – The announcement: Your friend/sister/colleague, let's name her a generic 'Sarah', announces she is pregnant. Sarah beams at you, glowing with joy (or, in the case of one work colleague, cries her eyes out, telling you she wants an abortion). First of all, paste a smile on your face, no matter how fake. Hug her* and exclaim, "Wow, that's great news!" and wait for her response. (*Hugging pregnant women hasn't yet proven to 'catch' fertility, but more research is still needed.) She will be so busy babbling on about her joyous news that she won't even notice the corners of your mouth twitching with the strain of your forced smile. Remember to nod your head occasionally and she will think you are listening, when really you may be be plotting ways to avoid her for the next 9 months.
Step 2 – The first trimester: At this stage, the pregnancy may not be known to all friends/family members/colleagues just yet. Sarah is waiting until her first scan to tell everyone else. You may be her only confidante, so there is a lot of pressure on you to regularly check how her morning sickness/feelings/relationship is. When you are at a social occasion, and she declines an alcoholic drink saying she has an early meeting (so as not to arouse suspicion from others), it is important to meet her knowing look and smile back, not ignore it. It is also important not to get pissed – it won't make you feel better. You will still be a sub-fertile woman in the morning, just a sub-fertile woman with a banging headache and a mouth like you've been licking a very dirty carpet.
Step 3 – The second trimester: Now Sarah has had the scan and is busy emailing a picture of her little alien around the office/family. Try to make all to right cooing noises, such as "Awe", "Ooh" and "Bless." This will keep up the facade that you are not really being torn apart on the inside because of a tiny piece of paper with a fuzzy black and white image of a kidney bean with arms. You have to try to engage positively in conversation with others re: the pregnancy. For example, someone says "Isn't it wonderful that Sarah is having a baby, it's so exciting! It must be the most wonderful journey for her!" You must then reply "Yes, I am so thrilled for Sarah. She will be a fantastic mother." Ignoring the conversation will only make you look like you don't really like Sarah. Instead, after your enthusiastic comment, try subtly changing the subject to something less crushing. A quick method goes like this: "Oh my god, is that George Clooney over there?" The womens' attention will be quickly diverted and you can then start a new conversation on sexy A-list men.
Step 4 – The final trimester: It is virtually impossible now to ignore the pregnancy. Sarah has ballooned with baby. Note how she is now "eating for two" and can devour a pack of chocolate digestives in a single sitting. It is important not to leave your biccies lying around where she can find them. Chocolate biscuits may be one of the few comforts to you during this difficult time, and having a heavily pregnant woman (who is unwittingly making you feel like crap) swipe them, can only exacerbate the strain you are feeling. You may feel like slapping her, but violence is never the answer. Chocolate digestives are.
Step 5 – The baby arrives: Sarah is ready to give birth any day, and you wait nervously for the phone call to announce the baby's arrival. As soon as that phone call comes, go into town and buy a card and gift pronto. Being one of the first to offer up a cute little outfit will make you feel surprisingly good, despite the heartache you may have felt trawling the shop and selecting the outfit. When you meet the baby for the first time, try and relax and not let things get to you. It is important to keep your emotions separated from Sarah and her new baby, because it's not their fault you are having difficulty. One day, you will be pregnant too, and Sarah will be there to give you advice and support. Whether you confess your troubles (at any stage) is up to you, but if she is really a friend, she will understand how hard it must have been for you to support her throughout her pregnancy.
Before I go, something very funny happened to me recently which I have to share. A guy at work had a baby with his wife, and is understandably very excited by it. He keeps making random colleagues look at the baby pictures on his computer. When it was my turn, I was having a particularly low day, and really didn't feel I could muster the enthusiasm. But I went over anyway and watched as he scrolled through picture after picture on iPhoto. Baby pic, baby pic, baby pic, then, all of a sudden, a picture of a great big nipple! The silly man had loaded up a picture of his wife's breast and forgotten to delete it! (Incidently, it was meant to be a picture of her breastfeeding, but the baby was miles away.) He went bright red and got all flappy, trying to cover the screen with his hands. Well, I just fell apart. It was absolutely hilarious! It was exactly what I needed to cheer me up and now I don't really mind his baby pictures because it really makes me smile when I think of it. The poor woman would be absolutely mortified if she knew what he had done, so it's our little secret. (Well, us and Jess in Accounts. And Emma in Payroll. And Cathy in Admin. And...)
Good luck everybody.
2008-03-17 @ 15:51