Day 1 of the nasal spray and I'm getting the hang of it, as much as anyone sticking something up their nasal passage and squirting the contents can get the hang of something (fans of poppers maybe?). Difficult to resist the urge to inhale deeply after a squirt a'la Vicks Sinex (have had a stern warning NOT to sniff it up or it'll go down my throat instead of being absorbed by the blood vessels in my nose, and I'll waste £600 of NHS money) but a little did escape down my throat somehow. Must be because of the super-squirt action from the nebulizer. Pumping the nebulizer yesterday in preparation for today (to ensure there was sufficient liquid in the tract) I got to see the 6 inch fountain it emitted. No wonder it found it's way down my throat. There's probably some of it coating the back of my eyeballs and a little on my brain.

I foolishly made the mistake of mentioning to the husband one of the side effects of the spray is irritability. On my lunch hour today, I set on my way to Fopp to buy a book, sit in the grounds of the Cathedral and read it whilst eating my lunch. I had been looking forward to it all morning. The husband decides to ring me 3 times to tell me that:

a) he forgot his wallet today (So?)
b) can I ring the sports hall and book badminton for him (No)
c) House of Fraser is having a closing down sale (And…?)

Upon the third phone call when I tell him to sod off and leave me alone, I'm told "Ooooooh, side effects are setting in already!" Pretty sure I'd be annoyed sans medication.

I've successfully managed to avoid doing any writing this evening by dusting. Wonder what excuse I'll find tomorrow night? Really wish I could pull my finger out and get back on it. Might dig out my old cuttings of published pieces to spur me on and remind myself that I can do it.

Today, I have officially started the OI treatment. The very first pill was taken this morning and I continue with these for 7 days. Meanwhile I will start on the nasal spray on Monday, 5 times a day, for about 3 weeks in total. I ordered myself a multi-alarm watch online to remind me to take it, which arrived today and the alarms are all set up ready. Bring it on!

Been working lots recently which is great, but these people don't pay their invoices which is incredibly frustrating. I've been working at an agency where a girl I worked with at the company I left has now moved to. That was fun. I'm also going back there next week. Met up with Gareth, my old boss yesterday, who I found out recently was having difficulty conceiving with his wife. We met at a pub for a lunchtime drink and had a good chat about things, exchanging our stories.

Turns out they've been trying for 3.5 years. She fell pregnant straight away but miscarried at 10 weeks. They then continued trying for another 3 years with no luck. They had all their investigations and it turns out they have 'unexplained infertility.' Nothing could be done as they could find no problem. Then she fell pregnant in January. But at their 12 week scan, they were told that the baby's cranium wasn't developing properly and that they needed a termination. Heartbreaking. She had to stay in a hospital ward with girls who had gotten pregnant through one night stands who were mucking about and laughing about what they were about to do, while she was there to lose a baby she so dearly wanted.

He remained quite upbeat about it all though, and said that they were told to go away and try for another 12 months before considering IVF, which they have already found out they have funding for. They're both 37. It was interesting to exchange stories and discover we had had the same silly quarrels with our partners and feel the same when people announce pregnancies. We all think: Why isn't it us?

We went to our follow up appointment at the clinic after my laparoscopy, to discuss our next move with the doctor. She has decided to take me off the Clomid (after 3 cycles) and move me on to Ovulation Induction instead. Because I have acidic cervical mucus (CM), she thinks that OI will improve it enough to stop annihilating the sperm and let them through to find the egg. The treatment timetable, starting next Saturday, is as follows:

1. Day 19 of current cycle: start Norethisterone tablets to induce a period and end the cycle approx. 1 week later.
2. Day 21 of current cycle: start 'down regulating' using nasal spray Buserelin. This suppresses my own hormones and puts me in a sort of menopause in preparation for the follicle stimulation hormone (FSH) drugs.
3. Day 14 of Buserelin: go in for a blood test to check oestrogen levels are down and that the spray has been successful.
4. Day 18 of Buserelin: Start self-administering FSH injections.
5. Day 25 of Buserelin: Blood test and scan to check follicle growth. Post-coital test to check sperm survival in CM.
6. Repeat scans every few days to follow follicle growth. Once follicles (max. 3) are ready, an HCG injection will be given to trigger ovulation.
7. Hubby and I go home and get down to it over the following 3 evenings.
8. Use progesterone pessaries for 14 days and wait.

…and hopefully find out we are pregnant at the end of it! If not, we do it all again. We are going to have 3 cycles of this (depending on the response of my CM) however if my CM is still a problem then we have to wait for IUI, which is basically the same up to point 6, as we would then have insemination to flush hubby's sperm directly into the uterus and up the tubes, therefore bypassing the evil mucus.

Quite excited and scared at the same time. This is going to be our best shot so far and I don't want to get my hopes up in case it all goes wrong. I just hope my CM improves, lets the boys through and finds an egg. A tall order for my body, but who knows? We might just get lucky this time.

No sooner had I finished typing out my last blog, explaining how nervous I was about an impending pregnancy announcement by by brother and his wife, than I got a phone call from my mum gently breaking the news that they had just made the dreaded announcement. They are pregnant. I think I lasted about 2 minutes before the tears started. I though I did quite well! Mum was very good and did her best to comfort me. She thought it was better for me to hear it from her, which I'm grateful for. I sent them a very excited text message congratulating them as I couldn't face a phone call. And I am happy for them, I really am. I love being an Auntie to my sisters children, they give me so much pleasure. But every time a pregnancy is announced, another part of me withers inside as I feel like I will never be making that announcement myself.

I allowed myself a few days to feel miserable and sorry for myself, which I find is the best way to move on. I've realised it's ok to feel sad, and allowing myself to acknowledge the pain and be kind to myself means I pick myself up much quicker than I did a year ago, where I would feel like shit for weeks after an announcement. I knew my sister would start on about when I was going to have children and, right on cue, she started with the "when are you…" texts. So I made a big decision. I told her the truth.

I composed a very lengthy email explaining everything that has happened the past 2 years. She sent me a text immediately apologising for asking so many times when we were going to have a baby. She rang that evening and we spent 2 hours on the phone talking about it. To my surprise, she was amazing. No "it'll be you next" or "just relax" bollocks. Just understanding, compassion and lots of listening. In a way I wish I had told her sooner.

We are all going to my parents for Christmas this year, and I am so hoping that I can get through those few days spending time with my SIL and her big bump without a tear.

I'm shagged – literally! We've had sex every day, sometimes twice a day, for the past 10 days and we are so worn out it's actually a struggle for the husband to finish the job. The shag-a-thon would have been shorter as we started on day 12, expecting ovulation to occur on day 14-16 like on the previous Clomid cycles, however thanks to my stupid, unruly ovaries, nothing happened until yesterday. We'll have another go tonight, just to be safe, then we will not be touching each other for at least another 3 weeks!

I think I'm building myself up too much that this cycle will be successful and I know I will be bitterly disappointed if it doesn't work. Now I know my tubes are clear and that I'm ovulating, I can't help thinking it can't fail. However there are other factors at work too, like my acidic CM which means the sperm don't survive for the 3-5 days in the body like it does in other women. Therefore timing is crucial so the sperm can go straight for the egg when it's bobbing down the tube. There is also the husbands poor morphology to contend with (9% instead of 15%). Therefore shagging as much as possible seems like the best idea – keeping me 'topped up' as he calls it!

Due to my late ovulation, my period is now due on the 3rd day of my holiday! We're going on a canal boat for a week with some friends the week after next. The holiday will start on Saturday, and my period is due on the Monday or Tuesday. I'll need to do a test on Saturday morning so as to find out if I can drink that night. If I don't drink, it will raise suspicions. However it might be too early for anything to show up then, so I will have to cut back on the booze anyway, just in case. They will think I'm pregnant even when I might not be! Then there is the period turning up too. It will be difficult for me to enjoy myself when it arrives. I usually spent the day feeling miserable before picking myself up the next day and getting on with it. Perhaps being forced to slap a smile on my face will save me a day of feeling like crap.

After the holiday we're going to a family party for my nan's 90th birthday. My brother and his wife are coming down from Scotland for it. I'm so worried that they will announce a pregnancy! Although I know they need to do it soon as they ain't getting any younger, I know I'll be upset for a little while. It'd be hard because I know my SIL isn't crazy about the idea of having kids. It always seems to happen effortlessly for the women who don't really want it. My mum is worried about this potential situation as she doesn't want me to be upset. But I told her I'd get over it and be really happy for them, which I will. Although hopefully I'll be the one making an announcement at the party!

I really really really hope this time it works.

It's all over… the operation, that is. The result? ALL CLEAR!! After much cutting, prodding, lifting, poking and stitching, the doctors have discovered that my uterus and ovaries are perfectly healthy (apart from the PCOS) with no adhesions, and my tubes are as clean as a whistle. I am so relieved and happy even though my stomach feels like its been punched repeatedly! I'm getting my stitches out tomorrow which I'm looking forward to – they are feeling quite tight now. This weekend has been the culmination of a very stressful week…

Tuesday: the day AF is due. It was D's birthday, so we had the day off together. Feeling a bit panicky about the possibility AF may be late, I did some research online in the morning about how to induce it. I found that large doses of Vitamin C could apparently help. First stop on our way out for the day was Boots, where I purchased a high strength batch of them. I had 3 before we set out on our long walk, hoping that the walk itself would move things along. Still nothing. That night before bed, I tried the second thing I found online: a hot bath. I sat and stewed in a boiling hot bath for half an hour hoping to get things moving by the morning.

Wednesday: last chance for AF to arrive. More Vitamin C. I am going to the loo every half an hour to check whether it has come. I'm feeling desperate now. Still nothing. As we near the end of the day I am now willing AF to stay away until Friday afternoon at least. I now go to loo hoping not to find it.

Thursday: 10.30am. AF arrives. I guess I won't be having the operation now. I try and keep myself calm, reasoning that I could probably get a new appointment in about 5 weeks time. I rang the hospital and explained what was happening, and found out the next available appointment wasn't until August! The receptionist said I should talk to the doctor before canceling it to see what he thought. So I left a message for him to ring me urgently, although she said he was in meetings all afternoon. Half an hour later I get a phone call from the receptionist saying that she accosted him in the corridor and asked him what I should do, and he said he'd do it anyway! I was so happy!

Friday: Got up at 6.30, had a shower, left the house at 7 to get to the hospital at 7.30. I felt strangely calm. D was very edgy and nervous. I was shown to my bed on a small ward with other women, and told I would be going first. I had a string of nurses and doctors taking turns in asking me all sorts of questions. Eventually I got changed into a very sexy gown, put my slippers on and was led down to theatre. I climbed up on the trolley and at that point I started to feel a bit scared. I had 4 people crowded around me sticking things on my chest and putting a needle in my hand to administer the drugs. The anaesthetist told me he was giving me something to make me feel a bit drowsy. It was like I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and felt nicely fluffy. Then he said he was giving me the proper drugs and I don't remember anything past that. Next thing I knew I was was waking up in recovery.

When I opened my eyes I could barely see. Someone had already put my glasses on for me, but I thought I didn't have them on as everything was so blurry. I felt knackered and realised there was a huge sanitary towel wedged between my legs.. There was a nurse stood with me asking if I felt ok and gave me a bit of water. After about 20 minutes, they wheeled me back to the ward where my very anxious husband was waiting. I started to feel much more awake and sat up more and read magazines. The incision was made from the inside bottom ridge of my belly button to about 1 cm outside of it, so about 2cm in total. This is being held together with 2 stitches. There was also a further incision in the bikini line, but that was so small it didn't require a stitch. But my entire stomach felt so tender to the touch. After a while a nurse came in and removed the drain from my stomach which was icky. I was then given a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea.

After 2 hours, the nurse asked if I felt like moving to the chair before getting dressed a little later. Once I got out of bed I thought I felt fine, so D helped me get dressed and then I toddled off for a wee. Couldn't go for a wee, the catheter made it hurt. So I went back to my bed and suddenly felt terrible. I was all faint and felt sick and had to lie back down! When the anaesthetist made his courtesy call to see if I was ok I was white as a sheet!

We had to wait for all the surgeries to finish before the doctor came round to give us the results. When she said "clear" I could hardly believe it! We've been told that this cycle we stand a good chance on conceiving as the pressure of the dye can straighten out any kinks the tubes may have had which might have prevented conception. They have given me 6 months of Clomid, and have placed us on the IUI wait list, which is 6 months. So by the time we finish Clomid we can move straight to IUI but hopefully we'll nail it within the next few months and won't need it. We have to go back to the fertility clinic and see what else they say now.

I feel so much more positive and hopeful that we could really have a baby one day soon. When I was 20, an ex had an affair and gave me Chlamydia. Ever since, I have been completely terrified that it would prevent me from having children one day. When we first realised nothing was happening, that was my first concern. I have been beating myself up for years over the fear that a cheating little git could have ruined my chances of a family, but now, I can finally put that behind me and get on with my life.

Ok, don't judge me, but I have done something a bit silly and which has been met with some disapproval from the husband. It's something I heard about through the grapevine and, after long deliberation, I decided to go for it. I have paid for, and received… a pregnancy prediction courtesy of some lady called Cheri in Canada! Basically you pay about £4, tell her what baby number you're working on conceiving, and she gets back to you about a week later with a reading predicting the sex, the month (conceived or birth) and a personality breakdown. After seven nail-biting days, I finally received my prediction this morning:

"Thank you for being patinet with me while I got back to your reading. they are showing you wtih a GIRL and they relate her to SEPT. They do show you using a specialist for conceiving;

When ti comes to your daughter wouldt ell you that shes got amazing strength and determiantion to succeed. i would consider her to be somewhat ambitious and really enjoys a good challenge. Shes someoen who is always on her feet, and loves to be mobile, really prefers to ahve something to do and be doing it. Really good at multi-tasking, someone who seems to thirve on the "chicken with the head cut off" syndrome and would rather have "too much" on her plate than not enough.

Shes fairly good about being direct about what she wants and where she si going. Shes someone who knows how to get things shes going after and can at times appear a bit on the agressive side. Definately someone you want on your side, as she can be somewhat intimidating (if someoen is bothering her) and really carry her own weight. Shes not one to be bogged down by other peoples mistakes and iwll often rise above them.. works hard towards what she wants in life.

Shes someone who likes to play volleyball, is someone who has just as many male friends as female and can actually say she has alot. People believe in her as she always says what she means and means what she says.

When itcomes to career paths, they show her linked to wroking for a relator and his partner. She handles all the closing documents and paperwork, often bringing in clients of her own for them and getting a percentage of the sales, and running their entire office. Delegating work, upgrading her schooling in this field to better understnad more of the job and take on more responsibilities.

When it comes to marriatge they show her closer to 22, they wull have two boys and one girl of their own."

According to her website, Cheri says she "relies solely on intuition, channeling and automatic writing, and have the help of my spirit guides Tomas and Serlina." I think the automatic writing explains why the copy is littered with typo's – you'd think Tomas and Serlina would point that out being higher beings and everything.

So, according to this prediction, I will have an aggressive little girl who will pummel anyone who tries to stop her getting what she wants. Why do I have the feeling this child will end on on Crimewatch, wanted for the murder of her parents? Either that or I'm going to go to many school meetings with headteachers to discuss why my child is beating other children to a pulp. Maybe adoption is a good idea after all…

I've been feeling much more positive about things this past week than I have for a long time. I've been thinking a lot about the operation next Friday, and what they might discover. I'm very afraid of being told that I will never have children naturally, that my tubes might be damaged beyond repair, and to me, that would be the worst possible outcome. Damaged tubes would mean my only option is IVF. Never would I have a surprise pregnancy. My baby would be made in a dish, not in an act on love.

But the more I think about the bigger picture, the more I see it's not just about having the perfect 'falling pregnant' scenario, it's about being a mother. I've been looking past the 'worst possible outcome' and thinking about what it means to me to have a family. It doesn't matter how our child gets here, as long as it gets here.

I've also been thinking past the possibility that my eggs may not be good enough for IVF, and that we may need a donor. There is only one person I would ask to donate her eggs and, without her even knowing about our fertility troubles right now, I know she would say yes in a heartbeat. My sister. A doting mother of 3 beautiful children, who is so keen to be an Auntie that she constantly asks me when we are going to have children. If only she knew she might have much more of a starring role than that! And if none of this works out for us, I guess it's on to adoption, and I actually feel ok about that.

I read about women who are so driven by the desire to have their 'own' baby that they would not ever consider another avenue such as surrogacy, let alone adoption, and I find it very sad. While I will admit at one point I was one of those women, the further I go down the 'trying to conceive' route, the more I am driven not to just become a mother to my own flesh and blood, I am driven to become a mother full stop.

Of course this positive outlook will likely crumble with any forthcoming pregnancy announcements* or bad news from my operation, so I should enjoy this good feeling while it lasts. (*With the exception of the other lovely ladies I have met in my situation – I would be absolutely thrilled.)

What a turn up for the books. After an extremely grumpy weekend spent trying not to think about how much I hate the NHS for cancelling my operation, the hospital rang this morning and offered me a new date for next Friday! Obviously some other lady has discovered she's up the duff and, thankfully for me, has cancelled her operation.

What this means is that my new date will be on Day 4 of my next cycle, IF my period starts on time (next Tuesday). They won't perform the op if there is heavy flow, which there never is by Day 3-4, it's very light by then. My past two Clomid cycles have given me 29 and 28 day cycles respectively so, fingers crossed, a 28 day-er will mean good old Aunty F will turn up on Tuesday, meaning I can definitely have the op on the Friday.

Ironically I have gone from urging AF to stay away every month for the past 2 years, to urging her on as quickly as possible. What a difference a Monday morning can make! Weirdly I was stroppily folding the washing this morning, thinking about it all and feeling utterly pissed off when I got the call.

In the words of Victor Meldrew, "I don't belieeeve it!" The hospital rang at 11am to inform me that my laparoscopy and hydro-tube-whatever has been cancelled tomorrow due to a major surgery on another woman. Initially I thought "sod her, what about me?!" but now I have calmed down a tad and realise it must be important (although quite why they can't operate on her this evening and do a little overtime is beyond me if it's that urgent).

So now I have to wait a whole 5 weeks and stew even further about the possibility that my tubes are all furred and twisted up. My new date is Friday 13th June – so it's unlikely to be good news anyway! I'm so distracted and annoyed I'm getting sod all done today, although I am making alarmingly good progress on a pack of Marlborough lights and penguins (of the chocolate variety – don't call animal protection, I'm not abusing actual penguins). Even more annoyingly, I've ruined a pair of new contact lenses with much crying – I might bill the NHS for £10 seeing as it's their fault.

It's very frustrating as this means we have missed out on a possible conception this month, as we were banned from trying before the op, and now we have to wait a further month – it may not be a long time to them, but to us it's two missed opportunities. I'm Day 17, and did an ovulation predictor test earlier which had a faint line, but it could just be the end of ovulation – I'll have to do another tonight and see if the line gets darker. Maybe we could still have a chance.